Undeath to Life

Funnies up to 11/13

Maria to Sara : But you can still fake that aura of calmness.
TJ: That’s called vodka.

Sara: Om nom let’s play!
Ryan: What are you eating?
Sara: Nothing! I want to eat the game! I’m 2 foot 8, I have a very short attention span.

Ryan: Negative energy filled. Really nice if you’re undead. Brings out the warm fuzzies.
TJ: Good for the skin.
Patrick: Or lack thereof.
Ryan: Brings out that porcelain skin!

Gina to Andy : Lofty ideas for a first level character.
Vanessa: He’s a paladin. It goes with the territory.

Andy: So the shifter is the most suspicious one of us.
Ryan: He’s pretty shifty.

Ryan: Where’s Sara? Oh there you are. That bit you’re standing on is a long giant dragon turd.

Sara: No one wants to attack me cause I’m on the shit.
Ryan: You’re so small I didn’t see you!
Andy: Fortitude save versus smell!
Sara: No no no I get bonuses. I’m on shit level.

Andy: Is it slashing damage?
Patrick: It’s nom damage.

Gina: We have lots of power tools.
Ryan: That’s a dangerous thing for me to know.
Sara: They also have lots of cats. I don’t know if that correlates.

TJ: Am I getting cholera?
Ryan: Probably.
Andy: Just don’t get dysentery!

Ryan: Portia-
Sara: Just call me Thornthrow. Make it a last name deal.
Ryan: Okay, Thornbush.

Ryan: You don’t earn the name giant slayer sitting behind a desk.
Gina: He might have slain a giant stack of paperwork.

Patrick: We always hear of windex, but never faildex…

Gina: Is that the ogre?
DM: Giant.
Andy: Gogre.
Gina: That’s a small cave for a gogre.
Andy: Gogre the Iant.

Andy: Ted, your spiked armor acts as a juicer.

Sara: Ted feels naked and awkward.

Sara: Gina’s being drunk and mean!!!

Gina: I’m less tipsy than I was earlier.
Andy: Death has a sobering effect.

TJ: I’ll be very happy when you bring me my beer.
Vanessa flat look
TJ: I’m very shy!
Gina: You’re a barbarian! How are you shy?
TJ: If I’m not hitting it, I’m shy!

Ryan: He misses the good dwarven ale.
TJ: And the short bearded women.
Ryan: He asks if you have any?
Sara: Short bearded women?!

Andy: I was hoping my intelligence was too low for the illusion to affect.

Vanessa: How about we put the bones in respectful piles?

Andy: Character based, I would like it on record that I loathe the undead.

DM: We had this discussion at the first game.
Gina: I was probably drunk.

Vanessa: I’m going to go pee and cry.

Funnies 11/20/10

TJ: When you write a dysentery-

Patrick: I’m 7’10".
Ted: … There are rules for using a bipedal mount, and I have mounted combat…

Gina: Are you a wild elf?
Ted: Yeah, I guess so.
Gina: Your race is almost extinct. You know that, right?

Vanessa: What kind of elf are you?
Ted: The kind that my undead spent 4 turns trying to massacre.
Vanessa: Irony is a cruel mistress.

Sara: My head is huge.

Andy: Everyone deserves a chance at redemption, but I want to know why?
DM: That’s a great story. It all started at a very young age…

Vanessa: I love my glitter dice.
TJ: But they don’t love you.

Gina: What time is it?
DM: Getting to springtime.
Patrcik singing : Springtime, for Hitler and Germany!
TJ: Winter for Poland and France!

Gina: He could be a vampire.
DM: It’s daytime.
Gina: He could be a sparkly vampire.
DM: I can guarantee you that he is NOT a sparkly vampire.

Andy: The temple is where refugees can come, and people can gather to bask in the divine-
Ted: It’s the visitor center.

TJ: Is it cheaper at the midget place?
Andy: The best ale is there. They have a dwarven bartender.
Gina: It’s probably that creepy dude.

Andy: My quest is very important and I cannot be burdened with outrageous prices.
Sara: I’m going to say that at Walmart. On Black Friday.

DM: He pulls out a long scroll that has pictures of lots of children and says “Look at how many mouths I have to feed!”
Andy: Too bad I don’t have spellcraft to see that that’s a scroll of ‘summon children’.

Andy: Nip Durok in the butt.

Patrick: The drunk dwarves can take care of themselves. My ubiquitous fighter wants to show off his moves to the ladies.

Ryan: I thought you were pointing at Gina.
Sara: No, she as in Andy. Shandy.

Gina: Does anyone have a light source?
Patrick: Me- my radiant smile.

Sara: I thought we were in Deepfang this entire time. That’s why I got lost looking for the horse!

Patrick: Yeah, he’s human, he just has really pointy ears.

Andy: You would be two foot eigh-pe shit.

Sara: I loathe humans.

Gina: If we did that the human man would be sharing a tent with the halfling.
Sara: I’d stab him in my sleep.

Sara: Are you now drawing macaroni to humor me?
DM: Yes.
Sara: I’m glad.
Andy: I thought they were toilet seats.
Sara: That would go with the turds.

Sara: When nuts attack…

Left out funnies

Ryan: You see a bile of pwns.

Funnies 11/27/10

Vanessa: TJ believes that if you don’t show up, Ryan kills you.

Gina: You can sense weather patterns with your chin!

Andy: Would y’all like a fearless 3rd level paladin or would you like me to favor my soul?

Vanessa: Is it bad that in my head Andy’s character is basically Barbie with a battle axe?
Andy: No! She-Ra Princess of Power!

Ted: If I stare off into space and looked totally drugged, don’t worry- it’s because I am.

Ryan: White is black, up is down, Taco Bell is good for you!
Vanessa: Yesssssssss!

Patrick: Can I have weapon focus with an assault rifle?
DM: No, but they can!

Gina: Aren’t those just crates?
Ted: Yes, but they are hollowed out so you can see through them.
Ryan: But aren’t all boxes hollowed out?
Ted: That depends on whether or not it has stuff in it!

Ryan: The white stuff fell out of my oreo!!!!

Sara: The DM just gonged in there.

Vanessa: Is there a penalty for running away AND peeing your pants?

Ryan: So you miss and in some weird warp of physics, it-
Ted: Stabs you in the eye!
Ryan -Ricochets off the wall and hits the horse outside the cave!

Ryan: You hear the sounds of something heavy moving down the tunnel.
Sara: Siege weapons!
Andy: They have a cave troll.

Ted: Some people find bearded dwarven women hot because they have that certain rugged quality some find quite attractive in men

Vanessa: Do I get a charisma bonus for having a beard?

Ryan: I hate pants.

Gina: What’s gone into the well?
Sara: Your mom.

TJ: That burp was brought to you by Mexico.

Ted: Everyone tosses dwarves!
Sara: It’s a sport!

DM: Parlay!
Sara: I eat humans for breakfast!
DM: Well, that takes care of that.

DM: Patrick does not quite reach narrative land.

Vanessa: Do you want to see the map??!?

Ted: I can summon a dog for 1 round to track!
Vanessa: 6 seconds of dog!

Andy: Do we have a compass or something?
Gina: We have a ranger. That’s the same thing.

Ted to TJ : You have a really high ratio of Incidents to taverns. With a capital I.

TJ: Can I not have your armpit over my water?

Funnies 12/4/10

TJ: Character sheets are better with caramel.

DM: What’s it worth to you?
Vanessa: 3 coppers and a duck.

Andy: He means sanctioned violence.

Andy: The two of you, the two of us, the two of you. And Patrick…

Patrick to Sara : So your character has more backstory than both of mine put together?
Sara: Cause Gina did it for me? Yeah.

Gina to TJ : So you two are the subversive element in the group!

Gina: We need to be higher level first.
Patrick: Psh, Frodo was level 1 when he walked into Mordor!
Ryan: Frodo was in a class-less system.

Vanessa: I’ve decided that the dwarves are like a combination of the Scottish and the Russians.

Vanessa: So Gilgamesh is epically large.

Ted: My horse’s name is Neheru.
Ryan: Does that translate to Shot-by-Arrows?
Andy: I think it means Gold-Jingler.

Andy: So, before Karsus became a shit head?
Ryan: No, slightly after he became a shit head.

Ryan: You find a warpig for her.
Vanessa: I GET A PIG!!!!

Sara: I’m off my dog.
Gina: Is that a little like being off your rocker?

Andy: A ghast with a bow??? That turns my world upside down!

Funnies 12/19/10

Patrick: You got me illegal copies of movies!
Sara: It’s fun! Everybody does it!

Gina: You could just buy cats.
Ted: I suspect they don’t count as assets.
Ryan: Until you skin them and turn them into goods…

Ryan: So the zombies are easy enough to dispatch-
Gina: Do we get XP for them?
Ryan: No, because this takes place in Narrative Land, not Tactical Land.

Vanessa: That would make a good horror movie- the Re-Dead-inator.

Sara: I have to wear bandaids on my feet-
Ted: Oh, I thought you said mayonnaise!
Sara: That part came later in the afternoon.
Vanessa: You really are missing out on the joys of sandwich dressings.

Vanessa: Seriously, you guys don’t just pee on the horse? It doesn’t change the smell!

Sara: The town is going to think we are all retards.
Gina: That’s because we ARE retards.

Gina to Vanessa : Tell Andy it’s his turn.
Vanessa: Andy says to draw from the crit fail deck.

Ryan: Reboot? Anyone? … Screw y’all, I’m going home.

Sara: I really love cats.
Vanessa: We hadn’t noticed.

Ryan: It’s a stone, with a staff sticking out.
Sarar: It’s like the sword and the stone!! If we pull it out, maybe we’ll become king!

Vanessa: Why is everyone in this town so quiet?
Patrick: They cut their tongues out to honor the gods.
Vanessa: My character pees a little.

Vanessa: My character would have helped the townspeople burn the giant snake-man.

Patrick: Think of all the side quests we’ll get!
Sara: “I need you to kill these rats in my basement!”

Gina: This guy is really willing to talk to strangers.
Sara: “You look trustworthy!”

Ted: I thought Grimm was chaotic asshole.

Sara: I was concerned for a moment that the guy didn’t know what a cave was…

Ryan: Rustic, not rusty!

Ted: Okay, Patrick, go get bitten! Uh, wait, I didn’t say that.

Sara: Hey, get out of there!!! Ahhh, man, Gina- the cat opened your present!

Gina abruptly : I don’t even know how to spell diarrhea!

Gina: If your horse gets eaten-
Ted: I’ll blame you.

Vanessa: What do I have to roll to jump on the body and ride it like a skateboard across the room?

TJ: There’s no law against that.
Vanessa: It’s the law of good taste.

Ted: There were skills for everything.
Vanessa: Corpse-boarding?
Ryan: That’ll be a feat.

Sara: CAT BATTLE!!!!

Patrick: I’m going to point out to Ted that I have a deadly poison running through my veins.
Ted: Sorry, can’t help you.

Ryan: Patrick’s character hasn’t had enough personality to be anything BUT neutral!

Gina's Campaign notes

Campaign notes from the games. Sorry if it’s not understandable to anyone but me.

drive a pack of wolves into traps for the festival (in Nordburg)
can’t be killed

mayor’s daughter kidnapped
north of town, other side of river, last night (found to be gogre)
girl to be brought to Netheril
dwarvish runes, giantish
name of Houzi seen on the gogre’s notes

Huszi- suspected to be jerk wizard we interrogated and killed outside the temple where people died, but no confirmation of that
Gul Dal- jerk wizard who raised ZomZom, responsible for Ultima and Erik and Ssstheris’ deaths
Durak- that merchant guy who isn’t a vampire

amulet- depicting a surruhk, looks skeletal- found in the suspected “Huszi’s” tent, we still have it
pouch of dust

information from “Huszi”:
You must have been the one who killed the Master’s servant!
Gul Dal eats brains, apparently
the old one is supposedly rising (probably ZomZom)
bottom of ruins in ancient temple, ceremony will be completed and old one will rise, we will be too late

Leena- necromantic elf, she defected and accepted a geas to help resistance and not return to the other side

Durak is very pale and bluish, supposedly seasonal
no one knew his name, not seen in 1.5 years, disappeared one day and closed up shop
Tellero- Aelandra’s paladin superior
Brewdark-tavern master at pseudodragon in SH

Ryan hates pants

prophecy: When death is close at hand, the king will rise again. —> a human king in a town north of Carstra woods, where a statue is, with the prophecy carved on it


Team sent to east- made it to Chaldea, spoke to covernment didn’t go well, uninterested in formal alliances. Two died crossing undead lands, three survived to make it to Dogorn

Sidequest in Chaldea- wizard wants us to collect some stuff for him
*griffin claws- nest near Ash’Thani or near necropolis
*flying water- waterfall at the main river’s source
*fairy mushrooms- fairy ring, often in woods
*flowers of erana- on her grave, last seen near Hag Lake

**Vyrik the Mighty
The Great Tompson
Both dwarven warriors in early days of undead
after washing their weapons in a magic spring, they glowed and became awesome
confusing place in a cave
it was the gems that made it work
one died, the other took both weapons and went towards the rift
general 150 mile radius of area, not helpful

Kardeck Cani- the wizard who protected the town with the staff, old and wizened

can’t hunt in the valley
problems recently→ graveyard- day before yesterday, family not returned from it, 3 guards didn’t either
great wizard blessed the valley, source of peace

found mother and child and 3 guards, father still missing

Funnies 1/1/11

Gina: All my plans are good plans.
Vanessa: I don’t believe you, but I’ll smile and nod anyway.

Andy: If you start with the Charlie the Unicorn, I will summon a crab battle faster than you can blink!

Vanessa: Tj, hold the unicorn and shut up.

Ted: We might want to go back to town and ask the old guy, “Did you know there’s a dungeon under your mausoleum??”

Andy: It’s a zogre! A zom-bogre!

Vanessa: Will you play Danny Boy at Vyrra’s funeral?

Andy: Heroes are known for doing stupid things successfully, not for doing good things.

Sara: Ohhh, Sith-eris. The STD one.
Andy: Sith-eris made people bleed.

Vyrra to Sara – If you want to die go attack the zogre.

Sara: I’m small and angry!!!

Gina: You have a tower shield.
Sara: Of dove chocolate.

TJ: I’m going to be a gully dwarf next.
Vanessa: You and Andy can be the derps.

Vanessa: If I die can I play a mermaid next??
Sara: And I’ll have an asshat.

Andy: I have a phd in basic thug-onomics.

Andy: I just want the Swamp Thing to emerge!

Patrick: Can I say, “Wait! I just rolled initiative! I look for enemies!”

Andy: Don’t you know the dead float?
Vanessa: The turd float?

Sara: Gina, on a scale of 1 to 10, how irritated with me would you be if I switched all the lids of your visa-vis?

Gina: A transparent ooze?
Sara: It’s your mom! Wait, I like your mom.

Sara: I’m only 2 ft tall! I drown in a teaspoon!

Vanessa: I don’t think there’s anything in D&D for falling butt damage.

Sara: Can I fart on it as I pass?
Vanessa: Pee on it. Pee in the pool! Pee in the pool!

Gina: No. Give credit where it’s due. I tied her to the imp.

Andy: Axe it a question!

Sara: I’m drowning just fine without plate mail, thank you.

Sara: That was like a combination of Crab Battle and Lady Gaga!

Andy: The double facepalm appeared in my prayers, and I knew what I had to do.

Sara to Andy : Join the fun, bitch.

Ryan: Aelandra lands on you. You both take 9 damage.
Gina: I am now unconscious.
Ryan: Seriously?!
Gina: I have 16 hit points max!!!

Vanessa to Gina : You’re the shark, and he’s the Serbian.

Vanessa: We’re like the 3 Stooges!!!

Gina: Whew. That was about to be the worst death ever!
Ryan: Or the best.

TJ: I bust through the wall like the cool-aid guy!

Andy: No, you have to grunt it. Urrrrrrgh- crab battle!

Funnies 1/8/10

Vanessa: You look so mild and yet know so many ways to kill people!
Gina: I know, isn’t it awesome?

Andy choking : Son of a bitch, big blue!!
Vanessa: If you call me that again-!

Andy: Don’t give me any of that zen bullshit!

TJ: So, who’s the second in command?
Patrick: TJ! It’ll be fun that way!

Vanessa: We could all come from an orphanage for assorted creatures!
Ted: The island of misfit adventurers!

Ted: We danced for each other and now we’re best friends.

Sara: Ohhhh yeeeah! I forgot about the asshat…

Ted: Patrick is like having a sword; Runt is like having a ballistic missile.

Vanessa: And I liked losers-
TJ: HEY!!!

Patrick: I open the door! How many times do I get hit in the chest?

Vanessa to Ryan : You’re too sexy. We can’t handle it.

Sara: Read us some pretty words!
Andy: Did you say gay words?
Sara: Pretty words!
Ryan: So, yes.

TJ: We’ve found a medieval AA meeting!

Vanessa: I loathe the environment!

Ryan: This is going to be the guy with two swords.
Sara: Or in this case, a staff and a pig.
TJ: “It’s a sword! My mom told me so!”

Sara pointing to Patrick: He looks tasty!
Ryan: But you’re fun-sized!
Sara: Awwwww….
Ryan rolls a crit : You are being fun-sized in the face!

Gina: Is that your name? Xanderdrax the Skulljuiced?
Patrick: The Skulljuicer!
Sara: It can be changed as appropriate.

Ryan to Sara : I love you for 8 points of damage.

TJ: Barbarians are proficient in all marital weapons!
Gina: Martial.

Ryan: Gina strips and tosses her armor in the pile.
Andy: You strip?!!
Gina: You’re a woman!
Andy: As a player, this concerns me greatly!

Andy: “Get back, spithead!”
Vanessa: F*** you, Andy!

Ryan: You know what’s freaky?

TJ: Yay! I love you!
Ryan to Vanessa: You should kill him. He insulted the sacred brew.

TJ: I promise if you die, I’ll make you into an ale.

Sara: You know what’s the meanest thing ever? Getting a recording of the ice cream truck song and driving around blasting it!

Ted: I’m going to set fire to it. Just in case.

Vanessa: You have a very bubbly butt for a guy.
Ryan: I have a very girlish figure!
Vanessa: Oh, who’s the precious princess!

Andy: I have Kraft (Cheese) and Macaroni!

Ted: I just feel you should use more flowery speech in your diplomacy checks.

Andy: Just channel the Skexis in you!

Funnies 1/15/11

Patrick: I am being mathematically ridiculous.

Patrick: She has level 20 demands!

Vanessa: I’m not a wizard/abjurer?
Ted: You deceived me!

Vanessa: If we change that now, I will kill you all!
Sara: I heart you so much.

Vanessa: I could snap most of your necks with my thighs.

Vanessa: If something happens to your barbarian, you’ll play a villager who dies every session.

Ryan: Elves are immune to magic sleep. This is mojo sleep.

Ryan: If you die, you don’t get fantabulous prizes!
Andy: Woah, Cutthroat Caverns moment.

Sara: Aaaaaaandy… You have cookies coming out of your pocket….!

Ryan: This place is like the Emerald City.
Patrick: Where is the horse of a different color?

Ryan: You don’t gain any points but you hear a lot of cheering when Andy fell into the pit.

Ryan: You just got punked by a goblin. -10 points!

Ryan: He’s dead! He killed himself! I said that!
Gina: Oh! I thought you were joking!

Sara: I hear the CRAP out of you.

Vanessa: C is for cunt, and I’m about to call all of y’all that!
Ryan: C is for COOKIE, and that’s GOOD ENOUGH for me!

Andy: A natural tavern? Aren’t all taverns natural? Oh wait, we’re in the planes.

Vanessa: He doesn’t know real love. He only knows abuse.
Ted: He’s not alone in the world.

Sara: I’ll pull out the second dog.

Andy to Patrick : Are you strong enough to throw a dog 40 feet into the air with a rope in its mouth?

Andy: Throw the halfling!
Sara: I fart the whole way! Up and down!

Vanessa: He farts and a unicorn flies out.

Sara: Aelandra, there’s a giant ape coming at you! And I don’t mean that in a not literal sense!


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