Undeath to Life

Funnies 4/2/11

Andy: Let’s do something fun first.
Gina: And then fight?

Sara: Andy, who are you?
Andy: That’s classified.
Sara: I can’t even know your f***ing name?
Andy: You can know my f***ing name when I am done reading the f***ing rules!

Andy: That’s what I do: coloring your perceptions one douche bag at a time.

Ryan: I’ve got a giant wall here! I see nothing!
Andy: Well, isn’t that a personal problem?

Ryan: He looks like he’s having a psychotic breakdown.
Gina: Is that before or after I sprayed him with the drugs?

Sara: I’m going to show you my tits, give me some chips!

Andy: Let’s be happy together.
Gina: Okay.

Sara: His birthday is like Hanukkah!

Sara: I film it!
Ryan: You’re not there!
Sara: I’m everywhere!

Andy: Right, because computers have mustaches and you can comment on them.

Sara: I don’t und- oooh kitty!

Gina: I have not participated in any wholesale gambling.
Karl: Only retail gambling.

Andy: Are there any dangerously narrow openings nearby?

Andy: My all-access pass is an explosive device?
Ryan: It’s a reality show. Of course it’s an explosive device.

Ryan: Someone stashed old takeout containers in here. There’s some sentient-looking mold in them.

Andy: … This is never getting played again.

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Funnies 3/26/11 (Late)

Ryan: If you eat enough crap, you’ll shit gold. And if you go looking for it, it will be surrounded by crap, but it’ll still be gold.

Vanessa: Ryan craps pink icing.
Ryan: Along with other things.

Vanessa to Sara : Is it like living with a chimpanzee?
Sara: No, it’s just living with lots of threats involving poo.

Vanessa: Guys, I am not nerdy enough for this conversation.

Vanessa: She has a Kindle! Dammit, Andy, she has a Kindle!

Ryan: You slap another swarm of bugs- not an actual swarm, a metaphorical one.
Gina: Thank you for clarifying.

Ryan: Trapped tits, what?

Vanessa: Because Ryan’s the slutty girl who doesn’t wear panties.

Vanessa: Flatfooted does not intimidate buttplug man!

TJ: Arbela’s going to hit me with her axe!
Andy: I hope you die…

Andy: I would love to have gauntlets of buttplug removal that would give me an 18 dex.

TJ: We’re going to need a new Andy!
Andy: Huh?

Gina: What is this and why is it in my folder?
Andy: Only you know the answer to that.
Sara: Only you also can prevent forest fires.

Vanessa: His noes whistles when he gets bastardly.

Sara: She’s so emo that she cut herself, and the blood distracted her.

Sara: I have a slur. A sling.

Ryan: TJ takes 6.
Sara: I have 2 quarters that says otherwise.
Ryan: Still 6. Why do you have quarters?
Sara: They are from your pants!

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Funnies 3/5/11

Andy: You know what sucks balls?
Gina: You?
Andy: … You are SO plastered.

Vanessa: You two go drink! You frickin’ Irish bastards!

Vanessa: ‘F*** it! Displacer Beast!’

Sara: Gina’s too drunk to write!

Sara: I nom when I nap sometimes…

Vanessa: I know that I have big balls, but don’t let that confuse you.

Vanessa to Andy: You and Ted’s kids are going to be really ugly.

Andy: Let’s let sleeping TJs lie.

Andy: Stop!
TJ: The music!
Sara: Hammer time??

Vanessa: Andy, don’t bring your beating device to the table.
Andy: It’s my holy device!

Andy: A one man gang-bang of faith!

Andy; What’s your charisma?
Sara: 12.
Andy: You have above average boobs.

Sara to Andy: So are you a pokadex?

TJ: When that was on, I was smoking a lot of weed.
Sara: I bet it made that show that much better.

Andy to Ryan: You’re just in love with dick slapping and tentacle rape.
Sara: I can neither confirm nor deny that statement.

Andy: Tentacle rape CAN distract a man.

Andy: My 5 dex is the tragic result of a buttplug accident.

Sara: She’s 22.
TJ: So she’s already a hussy!

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Funnies 2/26/11

Ryan: Moral of the story? Gina’s a jerk.

Ryan goofy voice : I was a turkey ALL ALONG!

Vanessa: It’s better than balls.
Ryan: What’s wrong with balls?
Vanessa: Do you want balls flying at your face?
Sara: WFT???

Vanessa: Did you say check and poop?
Ryan: Check and try to poop!
Sara: Enjoy your poop attempt!

Sara: Are you a man or a woman, Andy?

Sara: You need to pick a gender and go with it. You’re confusing me.

Andy: It’s either a 5 dex or a 5 con. Which do you think I’ll live longest with?

TJ: If you had a 5 intelligence, our biggest concern would be trying to keep you from putting everything we find in your mouth.
Ryan: That’s 5 wisdom.

Andy: Beware, I think it’s dire poo!

Andy: Wait! Ryan- flatfooted means you are denied your dex bonus, right?
Ryan: Dex BONUS. Not penalty.
Andy: NOOOOOOO!

Ryan: I swear! Be prepared! …. If I have that stuck in my head all night, I will sneak attack you by a rogue at least 4 levels higher!

Vanessa: This Linza? She sounds really cool But I don’t think we should meet. We’d probably get into trouble.

Andy: The book of boccob?
TJ: I like pecans.

Ryan: It’s going to be ‘shout’.
Sara: I’m not going to be able to find it again.
TJ: It’s next to ‘twist’.

Ryan: I almost pooped myself.
TJ: That seems to happen to you a lot.

Sara: Thank you for that cryptic and unhelpful answer, once again, DM Ryan.

Andy abruptly: Y’all don’t want me to have the intelligence of a displacer beast or griffin!

Gina: We’re in Spellhold. We magically teleported.
Ryan: No, you narrated. Narraported.

Sara: Are you going to whip him in a public place?
Ryan: In a sexual manner?

Ryan: Sara has a tower.
Sara: I have a tower? WTH, I’m not sharing it with those bitches!
Ryan: Okay, you don’t have a tower.

Andy: There’s a headstrong wizard-
Ryan: Haha, personality determined for you!

Sara: I know so much about the Eye of the Dragon that he had to leave.

Ryan to Sara: I hate you… That has nothing to do with the game.

Sara: I’m intelligent and helpful to the party!
Andy: For the first time ever!

Vanessa: Andy, I’m going to shit on the back of your commode.

Vanessa: She has this footlong silky black beard.

Vanessa to TJ: Will you help me take my armor off?

Ryan: Andy, what’s your touch AC?
Andy laughs hard: ’We’re going to need a new Timmy!’

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More of Gina's notes

“2 as 1 can win the day, the 1 with 2 shows the way. Brave the blade to break the seal, twist the knife, it will reveal”

Garjuk- hobgoblin thief guy we managed to catch and talk out of fighting. He escaped and ran away.
He said Lord Xeron hired them. They are doing digging, and they have a cleric.

Info from the guy in the waterfall:
The betrayer is compelled to slay those who passed ahead of us if the spiders don’t.
The evil ones- several orcs and a ghoul came through (later proved to be Xeron).
The betrayer is the one who sits on the throne
He has been there since before his time, he is in a room past the spiders
His hands and feet are shackled to the throne in the statue.

The blonde king and his redheaded queen ruled here. The statue above is of the blonde king. The betrayer served them. They were invaded, and the betrayer betrayed them to these enemies. He took the crown for himself. A statue of the blonde king was built above ground, and somehow, the betrayer was cursed into undeath, guarding the blonde king’s tomb and sword for eternity (well till we killed him, anyway). He is shackled in this curse below the ground.
Why on earth is this all under the village???

Durak appeared in the dungeon to assist us in the killing of the betrayer and he wanted us to go take care of Xeron. When asked why he couldn’t do it, he said that he couldn’t enter the deepest part of the crypt. The magics there prevented him, although they did not prevent us. When asked why, he said his family’s blood is “deep in this kingdom” (whatever that means) and he is thus prevented. He is kind of starting to rot. He’s gaunt and lost one eye, although he is no longer blue.

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Funnies 2/12/11

Andy: You can walk there.
Vanessa: F*** I’m a fat white woman! I don’t walk!

Andy: This is my and Maria’s stash of cookies!
Vanessa: I want cookies!
Sara stands: Let’s go get some!
Vanessa: For real?
Sara: Yeah! Both leave
Andy: They really wanted to stick it to me…
Later Andy: I’m going to stick it to them! Gets small bags of Oreos and puts them on their books
Later still Sara: Where did these Oreos come from?!!?

Vanessa: Andy, I’ve never seen anyone be so angry about being given Oreos.

Andy: Can the man watch over us while we sleep?
Sara: He’ll watch over YOU….
Ryan: You don’t want to sleep where the man can watch over you.
TJ: You’ll end up pregnant.
Ryan: Well, that too.

Sara: I had oreo cookies all along the crumb of my tummy.

Vanessa to Sara: Is it hard for you, Anorexic Annie, to have a whole stream of nutrition?

Sara: I thought you said Vanessa ate you!

Sara: I slept with a woman for three days!
Silence

Ryan: Can I get a lip ring that ticks?
Gina: You can implant a clock in your face.
Ryan: That would be useful.

Gina: We go up the stairs. Does anything jump out and eat us?
Ryan: Yes. A horde of rabid Chihuahuas.
Gina: Let’s do it!
Ryan: They eat you and everyone dies.
Andy: Knowledge (local)! They are from Beverly Hills!

TJ: That’s because we’re men. We know where north is.
Sara: Are you calling Gina a man?
TJ grins

Gina: Can we have a moment of silence while I write all this down? Don’t say anything funny!

Ryan: Well that was the shortest round of the penis game I’ve ever played.

Andy: I will defend Maria’s honor as much as is convenient to me.

Vanessa: I am wearing my new bra today. I like it because it keeps my boobs where they should be instead of where they are.

Vanessa: You can have an army of goblins that you take into shops so you get really good deals to get you to leave.

Ryan coughs
Sara: Did you just choke?
Ryan: No.
Vanessa: Did you just make a kitten?
Sara shock

TJ: I don’t have a desire to take the rubies for some reason.
Sara: It’s because you watched Aladdin as a child.

Gina: I can give you this bottle in a minute to use as a weapon.
Andy: No. I want to walk barefoot in this room.
Vanessa: What if I do it outside?
Andy: I want to walk barefoot out there too.
Ryan: What if we go to your neighbor’s yard?
Andy: Shit I don’t care about their children.

Andy: Seven plus f***ing magic.

Andy: I carry a halfling everywhere in the form of a tower shield.
TJ: It has about as much personality as a halfling, too!
Andy pointing at Sara : She’s gong to hit you now with f***ing magic.
Sara: I’m going to miss on purpose next round.

Andy: You sub for her?
Ryan: Yeah.
Andy: You have musical talent?
Sara: No, he doesn’t.
Ryan: EXCUSE ME!!!!

Gina: You can’t hit something without looking!
Sara: Arguable! Pin the tail on the f***ing donkey!

Sara: You can see something without looking at it!
Ryan: Uhhhhh no.

Ryan: Sara, what’s your greatest achievement?
Sara: Getting my puppy!
Andy: Congratulations, you just had an extremely infantile moment.

Sara: It’s her best friend! Except for Gina! … Gina’s kinda like a puppy!

Andy: Let’s take the mirror with us and show it to all intelligent beings.
Vanessa: A random highway man- “Give us all your money!” “Or what?” “This!” shows mirror

Andy: We’d have to sit around regaling each other with stories.
Gina: I can dance for you all.
Sara: You can dance if you want to.

Andy: Detect magic!
Ryan: Every f***ing thing in here is magic!
Sara: Even my dog?
silence
Vanessa: No, but my dick is glowing like a lighthouse.

Vanessa: You know what I saw that f***s up my diplomacy? “You’re pretty for a human, but you’d look better with a beard!”
Later Vanessa: After that, I take back what I said!

Gina: I give him the potion.
Ryan: Inflict Moderate Wounds.
Andy: I’m dead!!
Gina: Well, if I wasn’t emo before, I certainly am now.

TJ to Gina : Is your last name Custer?

Ryan: Come on, guys, where are the 20s??
Sara: Ryan, what table have you been at for months?

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Funnies 1/5/11

Andy: My birthday is in October.
Vanessa: I’ll still know you in October.
Andy: Don’t plan that far ahead!

Andy to TJ : I will wait for your character to die with enthusiastic glee.

Ryan: That’s because I see EEEEEEVERYTHING.
Gina: Well that’s just awkward.

Ryan: AND-THEN-EVERYONE-DIED-THE-END!
Sara: What?!

Andy: Races of Stone.
Vanessa: Racist?
Gina: I’m racist.
Andy: And stoned.

Andy: How do you go to a party with normal people??
Ryan: Well you drink a lot-
Andy: I’ve done that! And I’m still an awkward little boy!

Vanessa: You pretend you’re a character from a movie and act like that character would.
Andy acts like a Skeksis

Sara: What is this? Right now all I see is the yellow submarine and a bottle of gin.

Ryan: You can carry the dog! I never said you couldn’t! But y’all seemed determined to throw it, so I was going to let you!

Andy: I’m a walking trashcan.
Vanessa: You’re Oscar the Grouch!
Sara: Except a lot hotter!

Vanessa: His head is lodged under my great dwarven butt!

Sara: We did all that dodging for 5 caltrops?!
Andy: They were cal-trollops! That’s why they take up so much space!

Andy: Did we get attacked?!
Sara: No, but Aelandra better watch out- there’s a hot guy!

Sara: He doesn’t worship the right deity to polish your axe?!

Ryan stands right in front of a seated Sara
Andy: He’s simulating her halfling experience.

Andy: Ryan, check your tip.

Andy: This music is what I feel right now.
Gina: Epic sword retrieval!

Sara: I am going to empathically command my dog to turn around and fart, and then I will set the fart on fire.

Andy: I hope we die.

Vanessa rolls dice
Ryan: Close.
Vanessa and Gina: Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades!
Ryan: Well where are your grenades?

Gina: The dog has a 15 strength! I have a 10! If I got into an arm wrestling contest with the dog, it would win!
Sara: The dog is awesome! It eats f***ing babies!

Sara to Andy : The dog eats babies, like you.
Andy: I’m not a baby, I’m a babe.

Andy: ‘The bees! The dog with bees in its mouth! And when it barks it shoot bees out!’
Sara: And it also shoots flaming farts out its ass.

Vanessa: Oh no! It’s a f***er roach! I hate it when I get f***er roaches in the kitchen! They only do one thing!

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Funnies 1/29/11

Ryan: What is it?
Vanessa: I don’t even want to talk to you.
Ryan: Well, that’ll make for a boring game for you.

Andy: I’m ashamed of all of you.
Vanessa: That’s a constant thing, so I’ve opted not to care.

Andy: With my negative intelligence modifier, I shouldn’t even know my OWN language!

Andy: You need a spoon for that?? You can just-
Vanessa: He doesn’t need less manners.
Andy: …D’okay…

Andy: Y’all aren’t the type I’d bring home to meet my mom.

TJ: What the crap?
Ryan: It’s a crab!

Sara: “We’re in a battle? Can I go into a berserker rage?”
Gina: You can do that??
Vanessa: A halfling in a berserker rage would be hilarious.

Andy: Did you just say there’s no such thing as llamas??
Vanessa: Yes. Actually, that would make me sad.

Vanessa: On the bright side, TJ finally understands combat reflexes.

Vanessa: Why did you talk him out of the puppets?! I wanted vikadin puppets!

Vanessa: Can I trip a dragon?
Sara: This is a legitimate concern.

Sara: Don’t forget his majesty! You can’t forget his f***ing majesty!

Vanessa: -Unless Ted was on crack.
Ryan: Which is possible.

Andy: I want my f***ing fantabulous prizes!

Gina: Two things I learned in Honors class- don’t eat your kids, and don’t give your wife away. It always ends badly.
Andy: I’d pay for someone to take Ted off my hands.

Sara to Andy : You are potentially the world’s worst paladin.

TJ: What if you licked the fountain?
Ryan: Do it.

Andy: If you stood next to the fountain and peed outward, would your pee become magical? Could you heal people with the golden shower?

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Funnies 1/15/11

Patrick: I am being mathematically ridiculous.

Patrick: She has level 20 demands!

Vanessa: I’m not a wizard/abjurer?
Ted: You deceived me!

Vanessa: If we change that now, I will kill you all!
Sara: I heart you so much.

Vanessa: I could snap most of your necks with my thighs.

Vanessa: If something happens to your barbarian, you’ll play a villager who dies every session.

Ryan: Elves are immune to magic sleep. This is mojo sleep.

Ryan: If you die, you don’t get fantabulous prizes!
Andy: Woah, Cutthroat Caverns moment.

Sara: Aaaaaaandy… You have cookies coming out of your pocket….!

Ryan: This place is like the Emerald City.
Patrick: Where is the horse of a different color?

Ryan: You don’t gain any points but you hear a lot of cheering when Andy fell into the pit.

Ryan: You just got punked by a goblin. -10 points!

Ryan: He’s dead! He killed himself! I said that!
Gina: Oh! I thought you were joking!

Sara: I hear the CRAP out of you.

Vanessa: C is for cunt, and I’m about to call all of y’all that!
Ryan: C is for COOKIE, and that’s GOOD ENOUGH for me!

Andy: A natural tavern? Aren’t all taverns natural? Oh wait, we’re in the planes.

Vanessa: He doesn’t know real love. He only knows abuse.
Ted: He’s not alone in the world.

Sara: I’ll pull out the second dog.

Andy to Patrick : Are you strong enough to throw a dog 40 feet into the air with a rope in its mouth?

Andy: Throw the halfling!
Sara: I fart the whole way! Up and down!

Vanessa: He farts and a unicorn flies out.

Sara: Aelandra, there’s a giant ape coming at you! And I don’t mean that in a not literal sense!

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Funnies 1/8/10

Vanessa: You look so mild and yet know so many ways to kill people!
Gina: I know, isn’t it awesome?

Andy choking : Son of a bitch, big blue!!
Vanessa: If you call me that again-!

Andy: Don’t give me any of that zen bullshit!

TJ: So, who’s the second in command?
Patrick: TJ! It’ll be fun that way!

Vanessa: We could all come from an orphanage for assorted creatures!
Ted: The island of misfit adventurers!

Ted: We danced for each other and now we’re best friends.

Sara: Ohhhh yeeeah! I forgot about the asshat…

Ted: Patrick is like having a sword; Runt is like having a ballistic missile.

Vanessa: And I liked losers-
TJ: HEY!!!

Patrick: I open the door! How many times do I get hit in the chest?

Vanessa to Ryan : You’re too sexy. We can’t handle it.

Sara: Read us some pretty words!
Andy: Did you say gay words?
Sara: Pretty words!
Ryan: So, yes.

TJ: We’ve found a medieval AA meeting!

Vanessa: I loathe the environment!

Ryan: This is going to be the guy with two swords.
Sara: Or in this case, a staff and a pig.
TJ: “It’s a sword! My mom told me so!”

Sara pointing to Patrick: He looks tasty!
Ryan: But you’re fun-sized!
Sara: Awwwww….
Ryan rolls a crit : You are being fun-sized in the face!

Gina: Is that your name? Xanderdrax the Skulljuiced?
Patrick: The Skulljuicer!
Sara: It can be changed as appropriate.

Ryan to Sara : I love you for 8 points of damage.

TJ: Barbarians are proficient in all marital weapons!
Gina: Martial.

Ryan: Gina strips and tosses her armor in the pile.
Andy: You strip?!!
Gina: You’re a woman!
Andy: As a player, this concerns me greatly!

Andy: “Get back, spithead!”
Vanessa: F*** you, Andy!

Ryan: You know what’s freaky?
Gina: ANSWER MY QUESTION!

TJ: Yay! I love you!
Ryan to Vanessa: You should kill him. He insulted the sacred brew.

TJ: I promise if you die, I’ll make you into an ale.

Sara: You know what’s the meanest thing ever? Getting a recording of the ice cream truck song and driving around blasting it!

Ted: I’m going to set fire to it. Just in case.

Vanessa: You have a very bubbly butt for a guy.
Ryan: I have a very girlish figure!
Vanessa: Oh, who’s the precious princess!

Andy: I have Kraft (Cheese) and Macaroni!

Ted: I just feel you should use more flowery speech in your diplomacy checks.

Andy: Just channel the Skexis in you!

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